May 20, 2008

Tuesday. What to say about that. History Lesson

Themes. They rule my life. I am sad to report that Tuesday is yet to have a theme. So this week's Tuesday I shall report on history. History you might ask - What could I possibly say about that? It happened. That's that. Whatever I would report on, already took place - it's in the past. Anyone that knows me, knows I don't care much for dates or facts about generals or wars. I don't care to think about a time that was, and is no longer.
Except of course, when it comes to my life. Selfish, maybe. But I do love sitting around, talking about my own childhood. things that were. the toys I played with. the stuffed animals I cherished. the games I made up while trying to go to sleep. I love thinking about my own history. And how I got here. How I grew into the person that sits behind this dated laptop. Even if I carry on the conversation with myself, it's always good to think how far you've come.

Last night, while trying to go to sleep, Mr. and I reminisced on the start of our bloomed relationship. Another mark in history. We both thought about our "firsts". The first time we hung out. The first time we knew we liked one another. The first time Mr. realized he was in big trouble because his heart was no longer his. The first time we kissed. The firsts went on and on. And I thought - I love history! I love thinking about what was, and talking about it with someone that went through it. Hearing their side.

Throughout that time in my life, I kept another blog. A online journal of my feelings. My life was changing and I needed an outlet. However, without realizing it, I captured the exact emotions I was going through at that time. I wrote about the tortured secret of liking Mr. I recalled the first time I thought the feelings were mutual. I even quoted him a few times....I think now - How magical! How simply wonderful to have my own insight on what was. Not on how I remember it, or think it went. Not with my current feelings mixed in. But with the raw open emotion that was so new and fresh to both of us - happening right at that time. THe good and the bad. Every feeling that I forgot or let go, was written down. It was saved to be part of our history. For that I am thankful.

Cheers to history. and all in the making.
With that I leave you with a piece of who I was. Who I am. and who I will always be. Thanks Mr for just being you and allowing me to see who I am. and for loving me for all I am not.

Dated Feb 3rd 2005
"gosh. i havent been this happy with someone in a long long long time. I almost forgot what it felt like to be looked deeply and appreciated for all that I already am, not for what they want me to be - or what they would to create in me - but for someone beautiful as is.
I look at my life in five years - and where do I want to be? I want to still love my job as much as I do now. I want to be out of debt - I want to have experienced the US for all its worth on countless trips. I want to have lived with my best friend - a fine example of someone I admire and love. I want to be happy. I want to be in love. I want to feel appreciated and valued. I can see all that. And I see it including someone a lil different...
I know I will find the direction I need to take - and that something will not lead me astray. I know that my heart will go on the right path and eventually I will find the courage inside me to say "no. im not going to take this sh** anymore" and break away. Its a small voice now - maybe even a whisper - but im working slowly to developing it into a loud roar. i want the world to know im back and Im not taking anyone's crap anymore.
im worth more than what im valued now. im worth the world. the only people in my life now should be people that feel and see that as well."

always - with all my heart to my future

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